I saw this sign today outside a local pet store on my way home from the grocery store with DD. "Obedience Training Class beginning in April" hmmm... I thought wouldn't it be awesome if parents could just sign their kids up for a class and be done with it!! A few training sessions, a bunch of treats for "good behavior" and you'd be all set ;-)
Honestly, this sounds like a joke, but I see kids who are expected to be obedient every day. Their defeated faces are exactly what I see when I go to the local playgrounds or playspaces around here. Invariably I'll hear some mom counting 1, 2, 3... to coerce their child into doing what they want or they yank a kid out of play to sit them down in "time out" not to mention those moms who use the promise of rewards or the threat of punishments to gain compliance from their toddler or preschooler.
I chose to try a different model. We have never done a time out, I have never counted 1, 2, 3 at my kids and I really have limited pretty much all rewards and or punishments in our house. My kids are not hanging from the rafters and they don't act like wild animals when we are out. Actually they are very well behaved and quite empathetic creatures. They surprise me every day with their willingness to comply with my wishes, even though it may not always suit them at the time. If they can't comply, I know that either what I am asking is not appropriate or I have not put in the "connection" time to ask them to help me out. What is different about my kids is that they know that I respect their opinion, even if I don't always let them have their way. That alone is one great way to get people working together. (Even if they are young people)
I believe that kids want to please their parents. If they are not pleasing their parents, then there is something wrong. You can deduce what is wrong with a simple checklist:
1) is anyone sick, hungry or tired?
2) is there stress coming from the family, friends or school?
3) are we eating well (nutritiously?)
4) have I put in my time with this kid to make sure that he/she feels connected?
Kids brain function is immature, their only way to communicate unhappiness is through their behavior. The minute I see behavior issues, I immediately start asking the questions above and look outside the kid to see what has changed that could be causing the disequilibrium. If my kids start acting up/out, it's just a reminder for me to start paying closer attention. I'm thankful for this knowledge. I don't have to judge the behavior, I may not like it, but I don't have to stop it. Sometimes my kids just need to express strong emotions.
We, as a society, have been trained to believe that obedience is core to a child's ability to "get along" in the world. Schools demand obedience. I choose to look at it differently. If I ask my child to obey at such an early age, am I hindering his/her ability to think critically when I am not around? Am I taking away a wonderful gift that they will not even realize they have. If I want my child to be able to take risks, make mistakes and learn from experience, does obedience net me this outcome? My assessment is that it does not. I want my kids to question authority and norms -- nothing changes if we accept the world as it is and no longer question the validity of a system. I want my kids to question everything, form their own opinions and alter their opinions when they learn new information. I want them to be citizens of change.
