"Obedience Training Class Beginning in April"

I saw this sign today outside a local pet store on my way home from the grocery store with DD.  "Obedience Training Class beginning in April"  hmmm...  I thought wouldn't it be awesome if parents could just sign their kids up for a class and be done with it!!  A few training sessions, a bunch of treats for "good behavior" and you'd be all set ;-)

Honestly, this sounds like a joke, but I see kids who are expected to be obedient every day.  Their defeated faces are exactly what I see when I go to the local playgrounds or playspaces around here.  Invariably I'll hear some mom counting 1, 2, 3... to coerce their child into doing what they want or they yank a kid out of play to sit them down in "time out" not to mention those moms who use the promise of rewards or the threat of punishments to gain compliance from their toddler or preschooler. 

I chose to try a different model.  We have never done a time out, I have never counted 1, 2, 3 at my kids and I really have limited pretty much all rewards and or punishments in our house.  My kids are not hanging from the rafters and they don't act like wild animals when we are out.  Actually they are very well behaved and quite empathetic creatures.  They surprise me every day with their willingness to comply with my wishes, even though it may not always suit them at the time.  If they can't comply, I know that either what I am asking is not appropriate or I have not put in the "connection" time to ask them to help me out.  What is different about my kids is that they know that I respect their opinion, even if I don't always let them have their way.  That alone is one great way to get people working together. (Even if they are young people)

I believe that kids want to please their parents.  If they are not pleasing their parents, then there is something wrong.  You can deduce what is wrong with a simple checklist:
1) is anyone sick, hungry or tired?
2) is there stress coming from the family, friends or school?
3) are we eating well (nutritiously?)
4) have I put in my time with this kid to make sure that he/she feels connected?

Kids brain function is immature, their only way to communicate unhappiness is through their behavior.  The minute I see behavior issues, I immediately start asking the questions above and look outside the kid to see what has changed that could be causing the disequilibrium.  If my kids start acting up/out, it's just a reminder for me to start paying closer attention.  I'm thankful for this knowledge.  I don't have to judge the behavior, I may not like it, but I don't have to stop it.  Sometimes my kids just need to express strong emotions.

We, as a society, have been trained to believe that obedience is core to a child's ability to "get along" in the world.  Schools demand obedience.  I choose to look at it differently.  If I ask my child to obey at such an early age, am I hindering his/her ability to think critically when I am not around?  Am I taking away a wonderful gift that they will not even realize they have.  If I want my child to be able to take risks, make mistakes and learn from experience, does obedience net me this outcome?  My assessment is that it does not.  I want my kids to question authority and norms -- nothing changes if we accept the world as it is and no longer question the validity of a system.  I want my kids to question everything, form their own opinions and alter their opinions when they learn new information.  I want them to be citizens of change. 

I want good kids.....

I want good kids. 

You know the ones....

Kids who are self-confident, engaging to talk to, curious, happy, full of life, emotionally stable and have a good head on their shoulders. Kids who will WANT to talk to me when they are teenagers and who will come to me when they need guidance.

My guess is that 99.9% of parents want the same thing.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that conventional parenting, here in the U.S., may not actually get me to that goal.  The research I've done has shown me that to end up with kids who are happy, emotionally mature and confident, I needed to be very careful about the parenting choices I made/make in their first 6 years of life.  This critical time period cements many of the personality traits (self-esteem, fears, confidence, self-reliance, etc.) that will stick with my kids for much of their adult life.  What?  My choices now can and will have lasting and profound influence on the people my children will become?  That's amazing.

So I took a step back in 2006 and decided to devour many resources....  My book list has meandered from attachment theory to brain research to love languages to positive discipline.  The overarching tenets I've taken away are the following:

1. Kids need their parents nearby.  Parents need to respond to their kids' needs quickly and consistently.
2. Babies regulate their systems through their parents: breastfeeding, frequent holding and co-sleeping   are key experiences of well-regulated children.
3. Kids have an abundance of curiosity, it's a parent's job NOT to crush that curiosity in the name of social norms.
4. Kids need a place in which to play that has few NO's so they can explore without hindrance.
5. Parents have to "own their own shit" - our own upbringing has tons of influence on how we parent (especially when the going gets tough)
6. Kids learn through modeling - if parents don't practice what they preach, they'll have a hard time getting compliance.
7. Control who influences your children - Kids' brains are in upload mode from conception through their 6th year, don't let others imprint values with which you don't agree.
8. Kids play to learn -- if an adult interferes with the play, it is no longer a learning event - not always bad, but it's not learning.
9. Kids want to PLEASE, if they are not pleasing us, then there is something hindering their ability to do so (mishbehavior occurs). It's a parent's job to identify what is causing the issue.
10. Kids deserve respect -- they are full-fledged members of the family, albeit immature ones.  Their needs, wants and desires are valid, even if they are not what we had in mind.

I've taken these tenets and wrapped them up in a parenting style that I like to call Conscious Parenting or Deliberate Parenting.  I try to raise my kids without rewards or punishments, without coercion and without lording over them with an authoritarian hand.  It's been an enlightening experience and one that I am forever honing.  The longer I have parented in this style, the more I realize that I am forging a path that few have traveled before me.  Luckily with the web, I can connect with these other moms in email - but try to find a few on any given playground and I stand alone.  I realize that I am left of center, but I'm ok with that.  My kids will be better off for it.  Unfortunately as my kids have grown (my twin sons are 4.5 and my daughter is 2.9)  I realize that I cannot hang with many moms who use the conventional parenting method of authoritarian control on their kids. My heart drops when I hear a child scolded for small, insignificant infractions.

It's a lonely road... for now... but I am writing about my journey because I honestly believe that parents raise their kids as best as they can with the knowledge that they have.  I strongly feel that when parents understand how their choices and actions can run counter to the goals and wishes they have for their kids, they will choose to change their ways or at least know that there may be a different road to achieve their hopes and dreams.

I've named this blog "Looking for Lovey in All the Wrong Places" because it captures not only my feelings of isolation among moms who blindly follow their parents' models, but also because I feel that so many parents out there are looking to raise "Good Kids" and don't realize that their parenting choices are antithetical to their goals.

I hope my many ponderings about the challenges, triumphs and tribulations of raising 3 kids in the world today can help other moms who feel they, too, parent left of center and want to put a voice to their convictions.   My thoughts, hopes and trials of parenting are fodder for contemplation.